PORTLAND, OR — In an effort to address skyrocketing 911 response times, the Portland Police Bureau announced today that residents can now shave hours off their wait by committing crimes within walking distance of a precinct.
“Look, we’re stretched thin,” said a spokesperson while unlocking his bicycle. “If someone insists on getting mugged in outer Southeast, that’s going to take us a while. But if you’re willing to move your burglary closer to downtown, we can probably get there before the suspect finishes looting your fridge.”
The new initiative, called Crime Convenience Zones, will designate certain blocks near police stations where criminals and victims alike can meet up for a quicker resolution.
Critics say the plan is “insane,” but officials insist it’s innovative. “Think of it like Uber surge pricing,” said one city consultant. “If you want premium service, you’ve got to pay for proximity. Or, in this case, get stabbed closer to headquarters.”
Residents are mixed on the idea. “Honestly, it makes sense,” said one Portlander. “Next time someone tries to steal my car, I’ll just tell them to follow me five blocks north so the cops can get there before Tuesday.”
City leaders praised the strategy as a creative solution that doesn’t require actually hiring more officers. Meanwhile, criminals expressed frustration. “I picked this neighborhood specifically because the cops never show up,” said one masked thief. “Now I’ve got to carjack people outside the police garage like some kind of amateur.”
