SPRINGFIELD, OR — Local woman Kelly Harmon was reportedly enjoying a quiet Saturday morning, sipping coffee and pretending she didn’t have responsibilities, when a chill ran down her spine. “It hit me all at once,” she said, staring into the void. “We’re out of...
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Couple Plans Romantic Friday Night Watching the World Burn with a Bottle of Pinot and a Cheese Platter
PORTLAND, OR — While many couples might opt for a candlelit dinner or a rom-com, local partners Jesse and Rowan have found a more thrilling way to spend quality time together: watching chaos unfold in real-time from the comfort of their couch. “We wanted something a...
Man Fondly Recalls Childhood Road Trips When Mom Turned the Nissan Into a Marlboro Sauna
SALEM, OR — Nostalgia hit hard this week for 42-year-old Brent Halverson, who fondly remembered a simpler time when seatbelts were optional, ashtrays were full, and his mother hotboxed a two-door Nissan Sentra like she was training for a Marlboro Light 100s endurance...
Portland on Edge as Smooth-Skinned Weirdo Without Tattoos Walks Into Powell’s
PORTLAND, OR — Tension rippled through Powell’s City of Books on Tuesday after a smooth-skinned weirdo with no visible tattoos and—more disturbingly—no bumper stickers on his car was seen casually walking into the store. Witnesses say the man, described by one...
Officials Urge Rioters to Stretch Before Peacefully Yeeting Bricks for Injury Prevention
PORTLAND, OR — In anticipation of this weekend’s peaceful protest that definitely won’t involve any windows mysteriously shattering themselves, city health officials have released a helpful reminder to all would-be demonstrators: “Don’t forget to stretch before...
Local Woman Sips Warm White Claw, Finds Peace After Watching Flip-Flop Drift Off Into the Current
OREGON — It was supposed to be just another day of lazy tubing, questionable sunscreen application, and aggressively warm seltzers. But for one local woman, the universe had something deeper in store — a reckoning of the soul, delivered via footwear. Kayla Dunham, 31,...
Migrants Flee After Federal Agents Project AI Trump Riding Eagle at Border
NOGALES, AZ — Migrants attempting to cross the U.S.-Mexico border fled in confusion and terror this week after federal agents deployed a towering AI-generated hologram of former President Donald Trump riding a bald eagle, sources confirmed. Witnesses say the...
Newsom Freshly Gelled Up, Assures Californians Everything’s Under Control
LOS ANGELES, CA — Gleaming like a freshly waxed Tesla and strutting with the confidence of a man who just cured drought with cucumber water, California Governor Gavin Newsom made headlines Monday after addressing statewide unrest from the steamy comfort of a rooftop...
Woman With Hairy Chest Wins Award for Best Chest in the West
PORTLAND, OR — History was made this weekend at the Rocky Mountain Regional Hair-Off when 29-year-old Cassidy “Cactus” McBride strutted away with the coveted Best Chest in the West trophy—despite fierce competition from local lumberjacks, bass players, and at least...
Portland Man Who Says Property Damage Isn’t Violence Invites Protesters to Peacefully Burn His House Down
“It’s time I lived my values,” says local man as he sets out organic snacks and fair trade matches. PORTLAND, OR — Declaring that “true solidarity means flammability,” local activist Caleb Renner has officially invited a group of protesters to peacefully burn his...
New Nirvana Fans Born After 2005 Shocked to Learn Band Isn’t a Hot Topic Clothing Line
UNITED STATES — In a stunning revelation that rocked suburban malls across America, thousands of teens born after 2005 were reportedly shocked to discover that Nirvana is not, in fact, a clothing brand exclusively sold at Hot Topic. “I just thought it was like Vans or...
Dear That Oregon Life: My Tesla Isn’t MAGA, I Swear—Can I Reattach the Logo Now?
I’m writing to you with trembling fingers and a heart full of reclaimed anxiety. I need help. Not the kind of help you get from a therapist (I already have two of those), but the kind you get from a trusted Oregon-based lifestyle blog with a passive-aggressive...