WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press briefing that left the nation more confused than ever, President Donald Trump assured Americans that the Epstein client list was released, except it wasn’t really the list, because there is no list, apart from the list that isn’t...
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Portland Cyclists to Host ‘We’re Better Than You’ Parade This Weekend
PORTLAND, Ore. — Local cyclists have announced plans for a massive parade this Saturday titled “We’re Better Than You” as a way to raise awareness for their superior lifestyle choices. The event, organized by the Portland Coalition of Pedal Supremacy, will feature...
Portland Mayor Allows 4th of July Flag Waving if Residents Promise to Apologize Later
PORTLAND, OR — Ahead of Independence Day, Portland Mayor Keith Wilson reminded residents Monday that while waving the American flag on the 4th of July is technically still legal, those who choose to do so should immediately issue a sincere apology for “the harm caused...
Tina Kotek Announces Bold Plan to Fix Oregon by Staring Blankly
SALEM, OR — In a groundbreaking press conference Tuesday, Governor Tina Kotek unveiled her latest initiative to address Oregon’s mounting crises: staring blankly into the distance until everything magically fixes itself. “My administration has worked tirelessly to...
Flip Flops Found After Mosquitoes Eat a Whole Man, Witnesses Claim “He Was Drained Like a Juice Box”
OREGON LAKE — What was supposed to be a peaceful weekend getaway turned into a bloodsucking horror show Saturday after witnesses say a swarm of mosquitoes at a popular Oregon lake completely consumed a man, leaving behind nothing but a pair of slightly-worn flip-flops...
Locals Horrified as Man Wearing American Flag T-Shirt Casually Walks Into Portland Coffee Shop
Portland, OR — A tense scene unfolded Tuesday morning at a southeast Portland coffee shop after a man casually entered the building wearing a T-shirt featuring the American flag — unironically. The man, described by onlookers as “clean-cut” and “probably someone who...
Portland Man to Be Publicly Beheaded in Pioneer Square After Suggesting ‘Let’s Hear Both Sides’
PORTLAND, OR — In a bold display of civic unity, city officials have announced the scheduled public beheading of a local man at sunset tonight in Pioneer Courthouse Square after he reportedly uttered the inflammatory phrase: “Let’s hear both sides.” The man,...
Man Fishing for Dinner Horrified After Reeling In Screaming Vegetarian Karen
EAGLE CREEK, OR — A peaceful day of fishing took a harrowing turn for local man Doug Harper after he accidentally reeled in a screaming woman identified only as Karen, who immediately began berating him for “murdering aquatic citizens” and “violating the lake’s safe...
Oregon Hosts First Hunger Games in the Nation Featuring Riots, Wildfires and Future Lockdowns
SALEM, OR — In a groundbreaking effort to bring communities together through coordinated chaos, the state of Oregon has officially launched the nation’s first Hunger Games, complete with blazing wildfires, spontaneous riots, and a rotating schedule of statewide...
Mom Suspects Her Sweet Growing Boy Who Ate Entire Grocery Haul at 11PM May Be on the Marijuanas
SPRINGFIELD, OR — After discovering that her entire week’s worth of groceries had mysteriously vanished in the dead of night, local mom Karen Delaney is beginning to suspect that her “sweet growing boy” may, in fact, be on the marijuanas. “I don’t want to jump to...
Oregon Bans Conservatives
SALEM, OR — In a move hailed by absolutely no one outside the Portland metro area, Oregon lawmakers have officially banned conservatives from residing in the state, citing “vibe mismatch” and “continued misuse of the word ‘woke.’” The emergency legislation, passed...
Netflix Doc About Woman Being Brutally Murdered in the Woods Helps Woman Regain Perspective on Mildly Crappy Life
BEND, OR — Letting out a long, cathartic exhale as blood-curdling screams echoed softly through her living room speakers, 36-year-old Shannon Marks reportedly felt a wave of emotional clarity Tuesday evening after watching a Netflix documentary about a woman who was...