Eugene, OR—Local resident Dave Mulligan is eagerly counting down the days until spring, despite the fact that his immune system has already raised the white flag. “I just love warmer weather,” Dave said, his voice dripping with sarcasm and sinus congestion from last...
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Trump Announces National ‘Bring Your Wife to Work So She Can Cook’ Day
Washington, D.C. – In a move that has left both critics and supporters scratching their heads, President Donald Trump has declared the first Monday of every June as National 'Bring Your Wife to Work So She Can Cook' Day. The announcement was made during a press...
Portland Tests ‘Meth-Free Zone’ by Playing Nickelback’s Greatest Hits on Repeat Downtown
Portland is taking bold steps to curb downtown drug use with a groundbreaking initiative that’s sure to shake things up—or at least leave residents humming a few regrettable tunes. The city has officially announced plans to blast Nickelback's Greatest Hits on repeat...
Oregonians Baffled by Mysterious Yellow Orb in Sky, Panic Ensues
A shocking phenomenon unfolded in Oregon today as thousands of residents were left squinting and disoriented by the sudden appearance of a mysterious yellow orb in the sky. Experts, still reeling from the unexpected event, have confirmed the source of the blinding...
Salem Man Feeling Pretty Good About 4th Basket of Tortilla Chips at Mexican Restaurant
SALEM, OR—In a bold move that can only be described as "heroically gluttonous," local man Derek Caldwell ordered a fourth basket of tortilla chips at a downtown Mexican restaurant Friday evening. Witnesses report that Caldwell, who was deep in conversation about "how...
Why Does Daylight Savings Exist? Scientists Confirm ‘Just To Annoy You’
Scientists have finally cracked the case on one of humanity's most baffling mysteries: why does Daylight Savings Time exist? After years of speculation, historical digging, and a shocking amount of caffeine-fueled debates, the answer is now official—Daylight Savings...
Crater Lake’s ‘Volcano Bowl’ Set to Open in 2026 as the World’s Largest Skate Park
Move over, Burnside—Crater Lake National Park is rolling into the skateboarding scene with the highly anticipated “Volcano Bowl,” a skate park slated to open in the summer of 2026. Already being hailed as the most breathtaking (and vertigo-inducing) spot to shred on...
Buying a 60-Pack of Eggs Now Considered a ‘Status Symbol’
Move over luxury cars and designer handbags—there’s a new status symbol for 2025: a massive 60-pack of eggs. That’s right, eggs. Once the humble MVP of breakfast, these oval treasures have ascended to the ranks of fine jewelry, rare art, and beachfront property as the...
Cracker Company Unveils New, Even Flakier Saltines, Perfect for Couch Snacking
In a move no one saw coming—but somehow everyone expected—Nabisco has unveiled its newest twist on the classic saltine: a cracker so flaky it practically disintegrates at the mere thought of biting into it. Dubbed the "Ultra Flaky Saltine," these snacks are designed...
Man Angry at Crowds on “Secret” Waterfall Hike Forgets He’s Part of the Crowd
Somewhere Deep in the Wilderness — Self-proclaimed hiking purist Brent "NaturePurist87" Henderson, 34, was reportedly furious Sunday morning after discovering that a so-called “secret” waterfall hike he read about on a hiking blog was, in fact, no longer a secret....
Governor Kotek Consults Psychic Medium to Finally Get a Response from Trump
SALEM, OR — Frustrated by the complete lack of communication from the Trump administration regarding Oregon’s frozen federal funding, Governor Tina Kotek has taken an unconventional approach: hiring a psychic medium to establish contact with President Trump. "We've...
New Law Requires Drivers to Telepathically Predict Cyclists’ Next Move
Portland’s latest progressive traffic law aims to bridge the “understanding gap” between drivers and cyclists PORTLAND, OR – In an unprecedented move that solidifies Portland’s status as the nation's most bike-friendly city, local officials have passed a controversial...