PORTLAND, Ore. — In what officials are calling a major step forward for aquatic inclusivity, Oregon announced this week that all public swimming pools will be required to employ at least one certified drag queen lifeguard during Pride Month.
The new program, officially known as the Aquatic Fabulousness Initiative, is scheduled to begin immediately and will affect public pools from Astoria to Ashland.
According to state officials, traditional lifeguard certifications are no longer enough.
"We realized there was a serious lack of fabulousness in pool safety," said one spokesperson. "Oregonians deserve lifeguards who can both perform a water rescue and deliver a dramatic entrance."
Under the new guidelines, drag queen lifeguards will be responsible for enforcing pool rules, conducting safety demonstrations, and judging the quality of cannonballs based on splash size, confidence, and stage presence.
The state's Department of Recreation and Fabulous Waters says the program has already received overwhelming support from residents.
"I almost drowned last summer," said Portland resident Chad Henderson. "The lifeguard saved me, but there was no choreography. Frankly, I expected more."
As part of the initiative, several familiar pool features will also receive Pride-themed updates.
The deep end will officially be renamed the "Slay End."
Adult Swim periods will become "Werk & Splash Hour."
Traditional lifeguard whistles will gradually be replaced with dramatic finger snaps.
Emergency flotation devices will be updated to include encouraging phrases such as "Yas Queen," "You Got This," and "Don't Let Your Dreams Drown."
State officials say all drag queen lifeguards will be required to complete a rigorous 40-hour training course covering water rescue techniques, synchronized swimming, sunscreen application, and advanced shade-throwing.
The certification process will culminate in a final examination known as the RuFloat Challenge, where candidates must rescue a swimmer while maintaining flawless eye contact and a perfectly balanced wig.
Not everyone is thrilled about the changes.
Several residents gathered outside a community pool in Salem to protest what they called "government overreach."
"We just wanted a place to swim," said one concerned citizen while standing next to a six-foot inflatable flamingo. "Now my kids are asking what charisma points are."
Pool managers across the state are already preparing for the transition.
At one facility in Eugene, workers were reportedly installing a 30-foot runway leading directly to the diving board.
Officials say the runway will be used for mandatory poolside introductions before lifeguards begin their shifts.
"The old system just wasn't working," one manager explained. "People need to know who is protecting them from poor swimming decisions."
Meanwhile, several Oregon pools have begun testing a new scoring system for cannonballs.
Participants will receive scores in three categories:
Splash.
Charisma.
Overall Fabulousness.
A perfect score is known as a "Triple Slay."
State leaders insist the program is about bringing communities together.
"At the end of the day, swimming should be fun," an official said. "And if a lifeguard can save your life while serving a look, that's just efficient government."
As of publication, officials were also considering a proposal that would require all diving boards to be equipped with fog machines and entrance music.
