PORTLAND, OR – As Oregon remains firmly locked in its annual five-month-long “Gray Gloom Death Spiral,” residents are reporting extreme cases of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), with some even exhibiting plant-like behaviors in desperate attempts to absorb any available light. Eyewitnesses claim that at exactly 11:47 AM yesterday, when the sun broke through the clouds for a record-setting 42 seconds, multiple Portlanders could be seen stretching their arms skyward like wilted houseplants,...