Hundreds of Oregonians were rushed to the hospital over the past couple of days after an unseasonably bright sun made the mistake of shining down upon the pasty, vitamin-D-deprived masses emerging from their winter hibernation. The incident, now being referred to as The Great Reflectopalypse, has left locals shaken, emergency rooms at full capacity, and meteorologists scrambling to explain what just happened. Eyewitnesses describe a scene of utter chaos as Portlanders, Eugene hippies, and even...