PORTLAND, OR — In a surprising show of unity, hundreds of Portland protesters gathered downtown Tuesday not to decry a specific issue, but to demand more things to be upset about.
“Frankly, we’re running out,” said protester Kai Evergreen, who held a blank cardboard sign in silent defiance. “We’ve already covered capitalism, colonialism, coffee chain capitalism, bicycle lane oppression, and the existential dread of Mondays. What’s left? Wednesday?”
The demonstration, which blocked traffic for six hours and included a choreographed interpretive dance about emotional burnout, was described by one city official as “intensely vague but extremely loud.”
Mayor Keith Wilson issued a statement Wednesday morning, promising swift action: “We are working around the clock to manufacture at least five new vaguely defined social crises by the end of the week. We hear you.”
The city is reportedly considering initiatives such as ‘Justice for Potholes,’ ‘Ban the Sun (Too Bright),’ and a subsidy for protest-related artisanal chalk.
“I didn’t wake up today to not scream about something,” said part-time barista and full-time activist River Moonbeam, who is currently protesting the lack of parking for protests.
Officials say another protest about protest overcrowding is scheduled for Friday, followed by a counter-protest about the over-saturation of protests, weather permitting.
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