PORTLAND, OR — In a bizarre scene that left passersby unsettled, a local weirdo was spotted yesterday morning sitting alone on a park bench downtown, openly reading a physical newspaper instead of doomscrolling his phone like a normal, emotionally fragile person.
Eyewitnesses reported that the man — wearing a suspiciously calm expression and dark jacket — appeared to be fully engaged with the printed words, flipping through pages with an eerie lack of anxiety. Shockingly, he seemed to be enjoying himself without once rage-liking a political meme or angrily commenting on a stranger’s Facebook post.
“I didn’t even see him check for notifications,” said one horrified onlooker while refreshing Reddit for the fifth time in two minutes. “It’s like he wasn’t even worried about the economy, the environment, or what a bunch of angry teenagers think of him online. I don’t know what he’s running from, but it’s not healthy.”
Authorities briefly investigated after several concerned citizens mistook the man for a rogue philosophy professor or possibly a time traveler, but ultimately determined he posed no immediate threat to public safety.
At press time, the man was last seen calmly folding his newspaper, standing up, and walking somewhere without checking Google Maps — a behavior city officials called “reckless and outdated.”
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