PORTLAND, Ore. — What started as a casual afternoon swim in the Willamette River ended with one local man unintentionally becoming Portland’s newest source of renewable energy.
Witnesses say 34-year-old Derek Morrison emerged from the Kelly Point Park section of the river last Tuesday “radiating a soft green hue” that could be seen from at least three blocks away. At first, friends thought it was the sun reflecting off his skin — until they realized the sun had set over an hour earlier.
“I thought he had one of those LED festival outfits on,” said bystander Chloe Ramirez. “Then I realized… no, that’s just Derek. He’s literally glowing. Like a human glow stick.”
Health officials believe Derek’s bioluminescent makeover may be connected to the toxic algae bloom currently choking portions of the Willamette. The Oregon Health Authority recently issued an advisory warning swimmers and pets to stay out of the water due to high cyanobacteria levels, which can cause nausea, seizures, and — apparently — the ability to be spotted from space.
“I didn’t even know algae could do this,” Derek said, adjusting a pair of sunglasses he now wears at night “out of respect for others’ retinas.” “Honestly, it’s kind of cool. I never lose my keys in the dark anymore. But my cat won’t come near me.”
Medical professionals are still debating whether Derek’s condition is dangerous or simply the next frontier in alternative lighting. Portland’s Department of Transportation has reportedly reached out to see if Derek would be interested in working as a living crosswalk beacon.
While Derek admits he probably should have read the health advisory before cannonballing into the river, he’s now embracing his new lifestyle. “It’s not every day you become living proof that Portland’s waterways can change lives — and possibly the human genome.”
Officials continue to urge the public to avoid swimming, fishing, or drinking from affected areas of the Willamette until further notice. Derek, however, says he’s “already in too deep” — literally and genetically — and plans to return for “a quick recharge” as soon as the algae bloom peaks.
At press time, neighbors reported that Derek was last seen jogging shirtless down Hawthorne Boulevard, unintentionally guiding lost cyclists back to their Airbnbs.
