PORTLAND, OR — In news that surprised absolutely no one and disappointed absolutely everyone’s grandparents, Oregon has officially been named the best state to raise a little free-range anarchist with a trust fund.
The groundbreaking report, issued by the National Institute for Highly Specific Parenting Styles (NIHSPS), praised Oregon’s perfect storm of endless protests, organic juice boxes, and high-end outdoor gear stores as the ultimate environment for raising kids who hate “the system” but still Venmo their dad for rent.
"Here in Oregon, toddlers are taught from birth that all forms of authority are oppression," said Dr. Aspen Wildflower, lead researcher and part-time kombucha sommelier. "By the age of four, most children can recite ‘No Gods, No Masters’ — right after snack time, of course."
The study highlighted several key advantages:
- Free-Range Lifestyle:
Children are encouraged to explore their creativity and emotions, typically by running barefoot through farmers markets yelling about property rights. - Advanced Curriculum:
Preschools offer courses like "Intro to Burning Down Capitalism," "Beginner’s Guide to Drum Circles," and "Advanced Emotional Outbursts 302." - Cultural Reinforcement:
With daily protests against things like air conditioning, sandwiches over $2, and "vibes being off," Oregon offers endless field trips for hands-on learning.
Local parents were thrilled about the findings.
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"Our daughter Juniper-Sky just finished finger-painting a stunning depiction of class warfare," beamed proud mother Moonbeam Riverstone, while adjusting her child’s $200 handmade hemp overalls. "Next week, she's leading a protest against bedtime."
Children raised under Oregon’s Free-Range Anarchist Model (FRAM™) are expected to hit several important milestones before kindergarten, including:
- Organizing a sit-in at a Whole Foods
- Leading a protest against non-organic crayons
- Learning to shout "Eat the rich!" during musical circle time
When reached for comment, five-year-old Sage Onyx, sipping an oat milk latte through a metal straw, said, "Capitalism is a prison and so is nap time."
At press time, Oregon announced a new scholarship program to help young anarchists open nonprofit rage rooms by age six.
