SALEM, OR — As Oregon State Parks prepare to roll out another round of fee hikes for the 2025 camping season, thousands of middle-class Oregon families are reportedly coming to terms with the heartbreaking reality that they can no longer afford to sleep outside like dirty little peasants.
“We were hoping to reserve a basic tent site for our summer trip,” said Corvallis resident Jeff Martin, father of three. “But after the $57-a-night base rate, the $14 online reservation fee, the $22 ‘view of tree’ surcharge, and the mandatory ‘you-breathed-on-a-squirrel’ impact fee, we realized we could either camp for three nights or keep our electricity on through August.”
The Oregon Parks and Recreation Department defended the price increases, citing a 600% rise in pinecone management costs, inflation-driven marshmallow tax hikes, and the sudden need for each park to hire a full-time “Yurt Equity Coordinator.”
“Camping is a sacred Oregon tradition,” said OPRD spokesperson Skylynn Fern-Willow. “But also, this is capitalism, baby.”
As of 2025, a standard campsite will cost approximately one kidney and a $300 non-refundable deposit. Deluxe packages—formerly known as “dirt with a picnic table”—now come with complimentary ambient owl sounds piped in via Bluetooth for an additional $89 per night.
Families hoping to lower costs by roughing it were disappointed to learn that “primitive” sites now start at $249 per night and require campers to bring their own dirt. Those unable to afford camping are encouraged to try Oregon’s exciting new alternative: watching YouTube campfire videos while crying into a Jetboil ramen cup in their apartment kitchen.
Meanwhile, wealthy out-of-state visitors from California were reportedly thrilled with the new pricing. “We love escaping the chaos of San Francisco to connect with nature,” said one couple from Palo Alto, as they posed for selfies in front of their solar-powered luxury yurt. “We just wish they’d raise the prices more—it’s getting so crowded with people who drive Subarus.”
At press time, the Martins were seen pitching a tent in their driveway and roasting hot dogs over a Yankee Candle labeled “Forest Breeze.”
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