In what’s being dubbed “the most expensive two words ever spoken,” a local man has launched a GoFundMe after making the rookie mistake of telling his wife to “calm down” during a heated discussion about reorganizing the pantry.
“It just slipped out,” the man, now referred to as the ‘Couch King of Suburbia,’ confessed. “I thought it would help de-escalate things. Spoiler alert: It didn’t.”
Within moments of uttering the phrase, sources confirm the temperature in the house dropped 30 degrees, and the wife’s glare reportedly cracked the wine glasses in the dishwasher. Witnesses (their dog) described the scene as “tense, with an overwhelming smell of regret.”
The GoFundMe, titled “Help Me Rebuild My Life After Saying the Dumbest Thing Possible,” aims to raise $50,000 for therapy sessions, marital counseling, and a year’s supply of flowers and chocolate. Early donors are also suggesting he set aside a portion of the funds for a crash course in What Not to Say Ever Again.
“I’ve learned my lesson,” he said. “From now on, I’ll stick to nodding and saying, ‘You’re absolutely right.’ It’s safer that way.”
As of this morning, the campaign has raised $37,000, with donors leaving supportive comments such as, “Prayers for your survival,” “Never again, buddy,” and “RIP to your peace of mind.”
While the wife has declined to comment, she was spotted calmly sipping wine on the porch, presumably while plotting her next move.
