SPRINGFIELD, OR — Sources confirm local man David Palmer spent Thursday evening perfecting the art of marital non-listening, offering a steady stream of “mm-hmms” during his wife’s 14-minute monologue about the Hendersons next door while simultaneously wheezing with laughter at the Seinfeld scene where George’s overstuffed wallet explodes in the street.
“I told him about the Hendersons leaving their garbage bins out for days, their dog digging up the tulips, the passive-aggressive notes,” said wife Linda Palmer, “and I thought he was really engaged because he kept nodding and saying ‘mm-hmm’ every few seconds. Then I realized he was staring at his phone and trying not to spit out his soda.”
According to eyewitness accounts (Linda), David’s nodding was perfectly timed to key phrases like “You know what else?” and “Can you believe this?” despite his eyes never leaving the 46-second Instagram reel, which he has now reportedly watched 11 times.
“I can multitask,” David later claimed, still chuckling about the part where George tries to sit down and tilts sideways from the wallet’s bulk. “She was talking about the neighbors, I was laughing at George’s wallet, and I didn’t miss a beat.”
When asked to summarize his wife’s concerns, David paused for several seconds before replying, “Something about… recycling?”
At press time, Linda was explaining the Hendersons’ latest fence violation while David refreshed his feed in hopes of finding the Seinfeld Soup Nazi clip “to keep the streak alive.”
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