On Mother’s Day 2017, the small Oregon town of Estacada was shattered by a crime so gruesome it seemed ripped from a horror film. Inside the Harvest Market Thriftway, shoppers and employees were left frozen in disbelief as a blood-soaked man walked through the front...
News
Welcome to our Oregon News category, where we bring you the latest and most relevant news stories from the beautiful state of Oregon. From the stunning Pacific coastline to the rugged Cascade Mountains, Oregon is home to a wealth of natural beauty, diverse communities, and exciting cultural events.
Bend’s High Desert Museum Set to Open Giant Pine Tree Playground This Weekend
If you’ve ever wanted to feel like a tiny critter crawling through the forest floor—or just have kids who love to climb, explore, and imagine—then you’ll want to make plans to visit the High Desert Museum in Bend this spring. Starting Saturday, April 19, the museum is...
Local Hikers Cheer as Hero Delivers Flying Kick to Yet Another One of Those Annoying Rock Stacks
CASCADE RANGE, OR — A sense of awe swept through the hiking community this weekend as yet another rock stack met its dramatic end—this time at the foot (literally) of a mysterious figure some are beginning to call The Cairn Slayer. Witnesses say the man appeared out...
Research Finds Finest Coffee Poured by Baristas With Nose Ring, 12 Pronouns, and Zero Eye Contact
BEND, ORE— A newly published study from the Oregon Culinary Arts & Beverage Institute has revealed that the highest-rated coffee in the state is consistently brewed by baristas who share three key characteristics: a prominent nose ring, at least 12 self-identified...
Oregon Adds Safe Spaces to Prisons in Case Murderers Feel Uncomfortable
SALEM, OR — In a bold new effort to make convicted murderers feel a little more at ease during their lengthy prison sentences, Oregon officials have announced the rollout of in-prison safe spaces — fully furnished with leather couches, decorative wall paneling, a...
Pathetic: Guy Who Sucks at Regular Golf Now Sucks at Disc Golf, Too
Eugene, OR — In a move that surprised absolutely no one, local man Trevor McMichaels has confirmed that his deeply embedded lack of athletic skill seamlessly translates from traditional golf to disc golf. “I just figured I’d try disc golf because it’s more laid back,”...
Archaeologists Unearth Mysterious Metal Artifact in Oregon, May Date Back to Late 1970s
FORT ROCK, OR — Archaeologists working near the site of Oregon’s famed ancient sandals have stumbled upon a curious metallic object of unknown function, believed to date back to the late 1970s—a time period researchers refer to as “post-Woodstock but pre-Reagan,...
40-Year-Old Hiker Eager to Rediscover That One Weird Knee Pain Again This Weekend
BEND, OR — Local 40-year-old insurance adjuster and recreational hiker Kyle Marston is reportedly gearing up for another exciting weekend on the trails, where he fully expects to rediscover that same vague, mysterious knee pain that’s been haunting him since a poorly...
Easter Bunny Quits Lloyd Center Gig After Getting Jumped by Toddler With Brass Knuckles
PORTLAND, OR — In what mall officials are calling “an unfortunate holiday incident,” the Easter Bunny abruptly ended his seasonal duties at the Lloyd Center this weekend after reportedly being ambushed by a 3-year-old wielding toddler-sized brass knuckles and a sippy...
CDC Warns Zombie Outbreak Probably Unlikely, But Also Definitely Starting in Portland’s Amtrak Station
PORTLAND, OR — In a newly released report blending cautious optimism with a strong whiff of apocalyptic dread, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) announced Wednesday that while a zombie outbreak is “probably unlikely,” it is also “definitely...
Oregon Passes New Gun Law Limiting Citizens to Only Single-Shot Muskets
SALEM, OR — In a groundbreaking effort to reduce gun violence and increase reloading time to a full 90 seconds, Oregon lawmakers have passed a new bill that limits all private citizens to only single-shot muskets. Governor Tina Kotek signed the bill into law Tuesday...
Oregon Hikers Report Being Stopped by Wandering Wizard Demanding Their Marijuana Gummies
SILVER FALLS STATE PARK, OR — What began as a peaceful afternoon hike took an unexpectedly magical turn this week when a group of Oregon hikers reported being stopped by a robed wizard demanding “their finest marijuanas.” “He looked exactly like Gandalf,” said hiker...