HOOD RIVER, OR — In what experts are calling the most emotionally devastating swipe in Oregon history, Bigfoot has officially joined Tinder with a bio so powerful it has women across the Pacific Northwest dumping their boyfriends mid-swipe.
The bio in question?
“I chop wood and disappear like your dad.”
Within minutes of the account going live, screenshots flooded Instagram stories and group chats titled things like “unwell rn,” “he gets me,” and “brb deleting Tyler.”
“I haven’t felt this seen since the barista remembered my name,” said Ashley M., 29, of Eugene. “He’s hairy, mysterious, emotionally unavailable, and somehow smells like cedar and unspoken trauma? Say less.”
A Walking Red Flag With Forestry Experience
Bigfoot’s profile lists his height as 6’9”, his occupation as “Axe Enthusiast”, and his location as “Less than a mile away, but you’ll never find me again.”
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His interests?
- Long walks nowhere
- Eye contact across a foggy clearing
- Leaving you better, but broken
Women across Oregon report suddenly finding their long-term partners “deeply uninteresting” after matching with the elusive cryptid.
“I’ve been dating Chad for three years,” said one Portland woman. “He’s emotionally stable and pays for my Spotify. But Bigfoot? He ghosted before ghosting was cool. I need that kind of mystery.”
Boyfriends on the Defensive
Men throughout the Willamette Valley are scrambling to keep up. Flannel sales have spiked. Axe throwing classes are fully booked. One desperate man reportedly tried to grow a beard using compost tea and shame.
“She looked at Bigfoot’s profile for like four seconds and said, ‘He’s a better man than you.’ That’s not even a man. That’s a government cover-up,” said Derek P., sadly chopping a store-bought bundle of wood in his backyard.
Tinder Responds
Tinder released a statement confirming Bigfoot has already surpassed all Oregon-based profiles in right-swipes.
“His match rate is 98%. The other 2% were clearly lesbians,” said a spokesperson.
They also clarified that Bigfoot does not violate their “No Mythical Creatures” policy because, quote, “he’s just too damn hot.”
He’ll Never Text Back, and That’s the Appeal
Psychologists say the obsession with Bigfoot may stem from a combination of repressed abandonment issues, pheromones released by pine sap, and women being deeply, deeply tired of emotionally available men who say “let’s communicate.”
“Bigfoot isn’t going to ask how your day was,” said Dr. Elise Mahoney. “He’s going to stare at you from across a clearing, vanish for a season, then show up again like nothing happened. That kind of dysfunction? Irresistible.”
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