SALEM, OR—In a bold move that can only be described as "heroically gluttonous," local man Derek Caldwell ordered a fourth basket of tortilla chips at a downtown Mexican restaurant Friday evening. Witnesses report that Caldwell, who was deep in conversation about "how weird raccoons are," placed the order so casually, you’d think he wasn’t already two baskets over the socially acceptable chip limit.
“Well, they’re just there, you know?” Caldwell reportedly said, his hand mid-swipe through the dwindling third basket, scooping up salsa with the precision of a man who’s been training for this moment his entire life. Despite knowing his entrée—a sizzling platter of steak fajitas—was mere minutes away, Caldwell stared into the abyss of his chip basket and decided he wasn’t done. Without breaking eye contact with his dinner companion, he raised a single finger to the waiter and said, “Another basket, por favor,” as if he were asking for a refill on water. The confidence, onlookers agreed, was both unnerving and inspiring.
As the fourth basket arrived, Caldwell gave a polite nod to the waiter and immediately began alternating between demolishing chips and diving into his fajitas. He scooped salsa onto a chip in one hand while expertly loading a tortilla with steak, peppers, and onions in the other, seamlessly switching between the two as if it were an Olympic sport. His girlfriend, Heather, shook her head in disbelief. “He’s not even eating them for sustenance anymore. He’s eating them for sport. And somehow, he’s still keeping pace with the fajitas.”
“He’s a legend,” whispered a man at a neighboring table. “I’ve never seen anything like it. He didn’t even hesitate.” Caldwell, for his part, dismissed the commotion. “When you’re in the zone, you’re in the zone,” he said, crunching loudly while chewing on a perfectly grilled piece of steak. “Plus, the chips are free. Fajitas aren’t.”
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