SOME RANDOM TOWN, OREGON — In a stunning development that has united commuters across political, cultural, and astrological lines, officials confirmed Tuesday that the nation’s worst human is, in fact, the guy who floors it down the closing lane and tries to merge at the very last possible inch.
Witnesses report the man, described as “weirdly confident for someone about to ruin everyone’s morning,” ignored approximately 14 clearly marked “LANE ENDS MERGE LEFT” signs before accelerating with the urgency of someone delivering a kidney for transplant.
“I thought maybe he had an emergency,” said one driver who had been waiting patiently in line for 11 minutes. “But then I saw him sipping an iced coffee and scrolling his phone. So no, just evil.”
Experts say the maneuver, known scientifically as being the absolute worst, involves bypassing dozens of law-abiding drivers before forcing a merge so aggressive it briefly creates a new form of physics where cars occupy the same space out of pure rage.
“I make eye contact and just inch forward,” said the driver, who later identified himself as “actually really good at driving.” “If people don’t let me in, that’s kind of on them for not being chill.”
Transportation analysts confirmed the move adds approximately 7–10 minutes of delay for everyone behind him, while saving the driver an estimated 12 seconds and a lifetime supply of side-eyes.
“I watched him come flying up the right lane like he was qualifying for Daytona,” said another commuter. “Then he just stopped. Completely. In the middle of the road. Waiting for someone to let him in. It was like watching a toddler demand to be included in a game they clearly refused to play by the rules.”
The driver eventually merged after executing a flawless combination of inching forward, pretending not to see anyone, and aggressively gesturing in a way that suggested everyone else was the problem.
Sources confirm he then drove 12 miles per hour under the speed limit.
At press time, the man was reportedly approaching another merge zone and had already begun accelerating.
