So you’ve made the rookie mistake. You told someone you’re from Oregon. You were just trying to be polite. Maybe you thought they’d ask about Crater Lake or comment on how green everything is. But instead, their eyes lit up and they launched straight into the vortex:
“Ohhhh… Portland, huh? What’s going on with all the riots? The tents? The naked bike rides? Isn’t it like Mad Max over there?”
First of all, no. Second of all, absolutely not today, Susan. If you’d rather talk about literally anything else, here’s your emergency playbook.
1. Invoke Bigfoot Immediately
The moment “Portland” leaves their lips, drop your voice and say, “Yeah, I’m from Oregon… actually had a Sasquatch sighting once.” Boom. Subject changed. They’ll either want details or slowly back away. Win-win.
2. Overwhelm With Geography
“Oh, you mean Portland? Nah, I’m from the upper central-southern western foothills of eastern Lane County.” They’ll get so confused trying to map that in their brain that they’ll forget Portland exists entirely.
3. Claim You’re From Bend (Even If You’re Not)
People hear “Bend” and picture breweries, mountains, and dogs in puffy jackets. It’s Portland’s golden retriever cousin. Nobody argues with Bend. It’s safe there.
4. Bring Up Exploding Whale History
Interrupt with, “You know Oregon once tried to blow up a dead whale with dynamite, right?”
This is a real thing and, somehow, more dignified than talking about Portland traffic cones full of human sadness.
5. Pretend You Misheard
“Oh you said Portland? Sorry, I thought you said ‘pork land.’ I was about to tell you about this killer BBQ place in Salem.” Keep going until they give up.
6. Go Full Nature Hippie
“Portland’s cool, but have you ever felt the spiritual energy of the Umpqua Hot Springs under a waxing gibbous moon?” Say it with wide eyes. Bonus points if you mention chakras.
7. Weaponize Obscure Oregon Towns
“I’m actually from Yachats.”
“Ya-Hots?”
“No, YAH-hots.”
Keep correcting them until they’re too exhausted to continue.
8. Mention Vortexes and Time Travel
If they push for details about Portland, pivot hard: “Sure, Portland’s weird. But have you been to the Oregon Vortex? I lost five minutes of my life in there. Time moves different, man.” Then just stare.
9. Start Crying
If all else fails, fake tears and whisper, “Please… I just wanted to talk about tide pools.” You’ll be left alone immediately.
10. Just Lie
“I’m from Idaho. You must have misheard me. Happens all the time.”
Now they’ll talk about potatoes instead of anarchist drum circles. You’re free.
