PORTLAND, OR — In a bold display of civic unity, city officials have announced the scheduled public beheading of a local man at sunset tonight in Pioneer Courthouse Square after he reportedly uttered the inflammatory phrase: “Let’s hear both sides.”
The man, identified as 38-year-old Greg Thomlinson of the Sellwood neighborhood, allegedly committed the act of moderation during a heated protest downtown over the city's latest homelessness policies. According to witnesses, Thomlinson calmly suggested that “maybe both sides have valid concerns,” moments before being tackled to the ground by a concerned group of street medics and part-time sociology majors.
“He just said it. Out loud. No trigger warning. No safe word,” said activist Willow Fern-Hastings, who was holding a sign that read 'Sweeps = Violence'. “People were crying. One guy dropped his vegan falafel wrap. That kind of hate has no place in this community.”
Within minutes, Portland’s Compassion Enforcement Team arrived, deploying ceremonial incense and whisper-net restraints. Thomlinson was gently subdued using artisanal rope dyed with natural beet pigments and escorted directly to the pre-built guillotine platform — a sustainably sourced installation from last year’s Decolonize Art Fair.
Authorities confirmed the execution will take place at sunset tonight (approx. 8:03 PM) and will be streamed live on all local affiliate stations, including OPB+, which will provide audio description and ambient rain sounds for accessibility.
Mayor Keith Wilson praised the swift response in a press release delivered via mindfulness blog:
“In times of division, Portland must stand united — especially against people who want to understand both perspectives. That’s simply not who we are.”
The guillotine, constructed from reclaimed Douglas fir and steel salvaged from an abandoned Whole Foods bike rack, was installed this morning to applause from passersby. Local vendors will sell small-batch guillotine-themed kombucha during the event, with proceeds benefiting the Emotional Recovery Task Force.
When reached for comment, Thomlinson reportedly expressed regret, saying, “I wasn’t trying to offend anyone. I just think it’s important to—” but was cut off mid-sentence by officials citing the city’s “No Platform for Discourse” ordinance.
Residents are encouraged to bring blankets, biodegradable ponchos, and open minds — but not too open. Facial expressions suggesting sympathy for Thomlinson may result in mandatory de-escalation journaling. The city has announced additional guillotine dates for later this summer, in case anyone else decides to ask questions.
