Local woman Jessica Reynolds is beaming with pride after successfully keeping her car’s “Check Engine” light on for an impressive six years, setting what experts are calling a “remarkable new record in automotive neglect.”
“I don’t even see it anymore,” Reynolds said, sipping a venti caramel macchiato while merging into the wrong lane. “It came on like, forever ago, and the car still runs, so obviously, it’s just being dramatic.”
Despite repeated warnings from mechanics, friends, and one very concerned Uber driver, Reynolds remains unconvinced that anything is actually wrong with her vehicle. “One time, a guy at Jiffy Lube tried to mansplain something about an ‘O2 sensor’ and ‘critical engine failure,’ but I was like, ‘Okay, Chad, let’s just top off my wiper fluid and move on.’”
Her husband, Matt, who has begged her to at least get a diagnostic check, is reportedly considering legal action to protect the family minivan from a similar fate. “She thinks the oil light is ‘optional.’ Last week, I caught her putting in 87 octane because the ‘good stuff’ was too expensive.”
At press time, Reynolds was seen Googling, “Can my car explode?” while ignoring a mysterious knocking sound from under the hood.
