National Guard to Roll Into Portland Next Week, Locals Argue Over Who Gets to Tag Armored Vehicles First
PORTLAND, OR — With 166 Oregon National Guard members preparing to deploy to Portland next week, locals have already begun squabbling over who will earn the honor of being the first to spray-paint “ACAB” on the side of an armored vehicle. The dispute reportedly broke out at a neighborhood co-op meeting after one man claimed he had “dibs” on the front bumper of a Stryker while another insisted he’d been “saving that spot for months.” “It’s about more than just paint,” explained local graffiti...
TRAVEL
Oregon is a beautiful destination for travelers who enjoy exploring the great outdoors. With its diverse landscape of mountains, forests, waterfalls, and coastline, there’s something for everyone to enjoy.
Don’t Confuse Wildlife Safari in Winston With the Horror Show That Was West Coast Game Park Safari
This past week, Oregon made national headlines for all the wrong reasons. More than 300 animals were seized from the West Coast Game Park Safari in Bandon after authorities uncovered a nightmare...
Ride This Coastal Train In Oregon For A Spring Break Adventure You’ll Never Forget
If you're looking for the perfect spring break activity on the Oregon Coast, this is it. Sun, sea air, coastal charm—and the nostalgic click-clack of a historic train. The Spring Break Excursion...
Ever Wanted To See Inside A Multi-Million Dollar Oregon Home? Now’s Your Chance
Just outside of Smith Rock State Park sits a stunning home with even more stunning views, and it can be yours for just under five million dollars.
FOOD & DRINK
Explore Oregon’s food and drink scene – from locally sourced ingredients to craft brews and award-winning wines. Plan your culinary adventure now!
This Charming Oregon Café Introduced Me to Crunchy French Toast, and I’m Hooked
If you’re ever driving through Stayton, Oregon, you’re in for a treat. This small town, about 15 miles southeast of Salem, has that classic small-town charm that feels like a breath of fresh air....
This Oregon Deli Brings An Authentic NYC Flavor Bomb To Your Tastebuds
If you happen to be in Salem, Oregon, and find yourself craving a giant meatball sub or an authentic Gabagool, Cozzie's NY Deli may just be your ticket to a full belly. Since 2014, this family-owned...
Hop Aboard This Retro Train-Themed Restaurant in Bandon for All-Day Breakfast
The Station Restaurant in Bandon, Oregon, is the perfect place to grab a meal whether you’re a local or just passing through. Located on Hwy 101, just north of Old Town, it offers a mix of...
Parents Sit Teen Down for “American Dream Talk,” Gently Explain He’ll Be Renting a Carpeted Garage Corner for $2,400
Salem, Oregon — In a moving display of parental love mixed with economic nihilism, local couple Doug and Melissa Jenkins sat their 17-year-old son Caleb down Tuesday night for what they solemnly called “The American Dream Talk”—a beloved Jenkins family tradition in...
That Methy Neighbor Wearing Headlamp at 2:30AM Is Just One Bolt Away From Wrapping It Up
SPRINGFIELD, OR — Residents of a quiet suburban street were once again reassured by the familiar clanking of socket wrenches and muttered profanity echoing through the neighborhood as that really cool methy neighbor resumed work on his eternally disassembled Honda...
Bend Transplant Really Getting Sick of Californians Acting Like They Belong Here Too
BEND, OR — Brad Collins, a proud Bend transplant who moved from San Diego just 13 months ago, is reportedly really getting sick of all the Californians flooding into town like they own the place. “Everywhere I look it’s Teslas, goldendoodles, and someone in a...
10 Out of 10 Oregon Hikers Admit Trail Was ‘Just Okay’ Until the Edibles Kicked In
“At first it was just trees. Then it was THE trees.” OREGON CASCADES — A groundbreaking new study from the Pacific Northwest Institute of Vibes has revealed what most Oregon hikers already know in their hearts: hiking is pretty mid until the edibles hit. According to...
BREAKING: Portland Resident Offended by This Headline and Also the Word ‘Resident’
PORTLAND, OR — Chaos erupted in a local community Slack channel today after a Portland man reportedly became deeply offended by the headline of an article that hadn’t even been written yet. Sources confirm that 32-year-old River Moss-Fernwood (they/them), who...
UnitedHealthcare Announces Bold New Plan To Cover Nothing
MINNETONKA, MN — In a daring move sure to disrupt the healthcare industry, UnitedHealthcare unveiled its most ambitious policy overhaul yet: a bold new plan to cover absolutely nothing. “We’ve listened to our customers,” said CEO Clive E. Denial, during a press...
Heavenly Gates Swing Open After Val Kilmer Whispers “I’m Your Huckleberry” to the Intercom
In a moment theologians are already calling “the chillest entrance into the afterlife on record,” actor Val Kilmer ascended to Heaven yesterday and gained immediate entry by softly uttering his iconic Tombstone line — “I’m your huckleberry” — into a slightly outdated...
Middle-Aged Man Confident He ‘Still Got It’ While Mouthing Entire Limp Bizkit Verse at Red Light
SPRINGFIELD, OR — Sources confirmed Wednesday that 43-year-old Tyler Blevins, divorced father of three and assistant manager at the Eugene AutoZone, radiated unshakable confidence while mouthing the entire second verse of Limp Bizkit’s “Re-Arranged” during his morning...
Experts Agree: ‘The NeverEnding Story’ Is The Ultimate Emotional Reset Button
U.S. — After decades of research, burnout, and failed coping strategies involving expensive apps and oat milk lattes, mental health experts have finally reached a consensus: rewatching The NeverEnding Story is the ultimate emotional reset button. “It’s cinematic...
Portland to Roll Out Human Litter Boxes This Summer, Tackling Public Defecation Crisis
In what city officials are calling a “revolution in urban sanitation,” Portland will begin installing CrapTrap 3000™ units across the metro area—human-sized, self-cleaning litter boxes designed to address the growing issue of public defecation, and “shaping the...