EUGENE, OR — Residents of Elmwood Court were once again treated to the harmonious shrieks of local angel-in-human-form Stephanie Delaney, 35, who reportedly paused her morning manifestation ritual just long enough to deliver a full-blown verbal beatdown to her 6-year-old son, Oliver, over what sources are calling “a mild disagreement about screen time.”
Stephanie—known throughout the neighborhood as that classy peach who brings individually labeled mason jar salads to the block party—was seen pacing her pristine front lawn in a perfectly coordinated yoga set, latte in hand, and righteous fury in her voice.
“She’s just such a peach,” said neighbor Cheryl Thompkins, watering her dahlias while flinching at the phrase “YOU WANNA TEST ME TODAY, OLIVER?!”
According to witnesses, the altercation began when Oliver attempted to log into Netflix without having completed his morning affirmations and gratitude journal. What followed was described by onlookers as “a symphony of high-pitched rage and inspirational quotes turned threats.”
“She’s screaming like a banshee, but she still smells like eucalyptus and success,” said neighbor Brian Koh, adding that the whole street has come to view Stephanie’s weekly meltdowns as “emotionally charged performance art.”
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Sources say this is the fourth consecutive Saturday that the classy peach has lost her composure in full view of the community, often while holding a stainless-steel tumbler and wearing motivational socks that say things like “Grateful AF.”
“She’ll be screaming, and then two hours later she’s hosting a DIY terrarium workshop like nothing happened,” said Cheryl. “It’s honestly iconic.”
At press time, Stephanie was seen storming back inside, muttering something about how “Mommy’s on the brink,” while Oliver continued sitting on the front steps, casually biting the heads off his dinosaur gummies and plotting a quiet revenge.
