SALEM, OR — In a groundbreaking effort to reduce gun violence and increase reloading time to a full 90 seconds, Oregon lawmakers have passed a new bill that limits all private citizens to only single-shot muskets. Governor Tina Kotek signed the bill into law Tuesday while dramatically quoting Eminem: “You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow.”
The new legislation, dubbed the “Flintlock Justice and Community Safety Act,” will require all Oregonians to surrender their modern firearms in exchange for a historically accurate, hand-loaded, black powder musket. Ammunition must be stored in a leather pouch, and gunpowder is only to be sold at designated state-run “Heritage Armories.”
“This law reflects our commitment to both public safety and 18th-century authenticity,” Kotek stated while posing with a musket she later admitted was “very heavy and kind of smells like fireworks.”
Under the new law, all citizens must pass a 32-hour Musket Handling and Reenactment Training Course, which includes yelling “fire in the hole!” before each discharge and wearing a historically appropriate tricorn hat.
Critics of the bill argue that reducing citizens’ firearms to slow, smoky antiques won’t stop crime, but Democratic lawmakers were quick to reassure the public that police officers and state officials will still be allowed to carry fully automatic weapons and tactical gear “for their own safety.”
“Don’t worry,” one Portland city council member added, “we’re only disarming the people who weren’t committing crimes in the first place.”
Law-abiding gun owners across the state expressed frustration, though some found relief in the loophole allowing “dueling pistols if accompanied by a powdered wig and dramatic music.”
When asked if this legislation might face legal challenges, Governor Kotek replied, “Only from people who don’t appreciate a good musket,” before motioning to a smoke-filled reenactment of the Battle of Saratoga happening in the Capitol courtyard.
In unrelated news, the Oregon Legislature is reportedly considering re-legalizing meth to promote inclusivity and reduce stigmas around “non-firearm-based personal expression.”
Officials say the bill could be fast-tracked, especially if they can find a way to tax it.
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