WEST COAST — In a groundbreaking ceremony held simultaneously in Salem, Olympia, and Sacramento, the governors of Oregon, Washington, and California proudly announced a new “People’s Anti-Will Alliance,” vowing to make policy decisions that directly contradict whatever their residents actually want.
Governor Tina Kotek of Oregon said the pact was “a bold experiment in reverse democracy,” explaining, “If 70% of voters say no new taxes, we see that as a clear mandate to raise them by 300%. We’re just listening to our hearts — not to the people who elected us.”
Washington Governor Bob Ferguson praised the new alliance, calling it “a climate of governance innovation.” He added, “When polls show voters want affordable housing, we know it’s our duty to create a ten-step task force that ensures rent goes up faster than a SpaceX launch.”
California Governor Gavin Newsom, who flew in on a state-funded private jet to give his remarks, said, “Polls are outdated tools of oppression. People don’t actually know what they want until we give them the opposite. That’s leadership.”
The three states have already outlined their first joint initiatives:
- Gas prices: Raised by $1 every time a poll shows support for lowering them.
- Homelessness: For every voter who requests more shelters, one luxury condo will be built instead.
- Public input: Surveys will still be conducted, but answers will be immediately shredded and recycled into artisanal compost.
Critics slammed the alliance as “tyrannical” and “delusional,” but supporters say it provides “refreshing consistency,” noting that residents can now save time by skipping elections altogether.
As the press conference wrapped up, Governor Kotek smiled and reassured the public: “Don’t worry — we’ll keep ignoring you no matter what the polls say.”
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