ORTLAND, OR — After a rare full night of uninterrupted sleep, local woman Dana Wexler reportedly opened her eyes Thursday morning to the sound of birds chirping, a soft breeze drifting through her window, and the soul-crushing realization that global collapse is, in fact, near.
“I felt oddly calm for about six seconds,” said Wexler, who then made the critical error of checking her phone. “Then I saw a notification about a record-breaking heatwave, a potential global rice shortage, and something about the ocean current slowing down. So… back to normal.”
Sources confirm that within three minutes of waking, Wexler had doomscrolled through a flurry of headlines forecasting the end of stable society, including a viral clip of billionaires buying bunkers, a chart of rising sea levels, and a post explaining why democracy is “maybe just done now.”
“I try to start my mornings with some light journaling,” she added. “But it’s hard to stay grounded when the ground is literally on fire and no one seems that concerned.”
By 8:00 a.m., Wexler had swapped out her morning affirmations for silently drinking coffee while staring into the middle distance, gently nodding at a tweet reading ‘Collapse is a process, not an event.’
“I try to have a little gratitude in the morning,” she added. “But it’s hard to stay grounded when the ground itself is literally drying up and cracking.”
By 8:00 a.m., Wexler had abandoned her meditation app in favor of staring blankly at a wall while whispering “oh my God” on a loop.
She was last seen refreshing the news every 40 seconds while whispering “it’s fine” with increasing intensity and absolutely zero conviction.
