MINNETONKA, MN — In a daring move sure to disrupt the healthcare industry, UnitedHealthcare unveiled its most ambitious policy overhaul yet: a bold new plan to cover absolutely nothing.
“We’ve listened to our customers,” said CEO Clive E. Denial, during a press conference held in a padded room lined with unpaid claim forms. “And what we heard loud and clear is: ‘We’re confused, exhausted, and financially ruined.’ So we thought—why not streamline that process?”
Under the new plan, officially titled the FreedomCare UltraZero™, customers will enjoy the freedom of paying monthly premiums without the pesky burden of receiving medical coverage. All claims will be denied automatically by a new AI system named “NopeBot,” trained exclusively on the phrase “This procedure is not deemed medically necessary.”
Features of the new plan include:
- $0 Copays on services that don’t exist
- 24/7 Support Chat with an AI chatbot that replies only in Latin legal disclaimers
- Out-of-Network Coverage for any hospital on Earth, as all providers are now considered out-of-network
- Wellness Credits that can be redeemed for stress balls and coupons for kale
Customers will also receive a commemorative ‘Get Well Soon (On Your Own)’ card after every claim rejection.
Healthcare professionals have raised concerns, but UnitedHealthcare insists the plan is “revolutionary.”
“This is a bold leap forward,” said VP of Ethical Loopholes, Janet Screwm. “By eliminating all forms of treatment, we’re also eliminating confusion. No more second guessing—just first class billing for no services.”
When asked what patients should do if they fall ill, the company directed them to a helpful online guide titled “5 Home Remedies for Major Surgery.”
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