SALEM, OR — In a historic and absolutely necessary move, Oregon officials have replaced the iconic Gold Man statue atop the State Capitol with a shirtless, vape-clutching dad bod guy, a bold tribute to the future of civilization.
The new statue, affectionately dubbed “Rip the Pioneer”, stands in the same powerful stance as his predecessor, except now he’s rocking a solid beer belly and cargo shorts. In one hand, he confidently grips a bright blue vape, purchased from a local strip mall vape shop, while his other hand remains firmly planted on his hip in a pose that suggests he’s either about to launch into a heated rant about gas prices or ask someone if they know a good place to get wings.
"We felt the old statue no longer reflected the modern Oregonian," said state cultural advisor Blake Thunderhawk, adjusting his ethically sourced beanie. "The Gold Man was a relic of an outdated, hard-working era. But this guy? This guy is what the Oregon Trail was really leading to.”
According to officials, the decision was based on a comprehensive 15-second TikTok poll, in which 71% of voters agreed that ‘historical accuracy is mid’ and ‘vapes are hella cool’.
Salem residents gathered for the unveiling ceremony Wednesday morning, where the new statue was christened with a ceremonial “fat rip” from a 120-watt mod. A local vape shop owner was honored to press the button, flooding the Capitol steps with the sweet, artificial scent of Blueberry Unicorn Tears.
However, not everyone is thrilled. Longtime Salem resident Todd McManus, 54, says the change is an insult to Oregon’s rich history.
“I can’t believe they replaced a symbol of our pioneering ancestors with some dude who looks like he lives in his mom’s basement and argues about crypto on Reddit,” he scoffed. “You’re telling me THIS is the future?”
But the younger generation seems to disagree. 23-year-old college student Skyler Reeves, wearing a turtleneck and ironic sunglasses, fully supports the new statue.
“History is supposed to reflect the people of today,” she said, exhaling a cloud of Peachy Mango Tango into a nearby baby’s stroller. “The Gold Man was outdated. This guy? He just looks like my cousin Kyle. It’s so much more relatable.”
State officials confirm that Rip the Pioneer is only the beginning of Oregon’s new approach to historical monuments. Plans are already in motion to replace Paul Bunyan’s statue in Portland with an unemployed podcaster.
For now, the vape-huffing dad bod will stand proudly atop the Capitol, a symbol of progress, mediocrity, and the slow, fruity-flavored decline of Western civilization.
