PORTLAND, OR — Local man Brian “Snappy” Thompson has officially petitioned the Oregon Zoo to recognize his true identity as a turtle and grant him permanent residency in the reptile exhibit. “I’ve spent my whole life feeling like a turtle trapped in a human’s body,” said Thompson, who arrived at the zoo crawling on all fours, his back covered by a massive, eerily realistic turtle shell. “Society just isn’t built for people like me. I move at my own pace, I love basking under heat lamps, and...