Satire

PORTLAND, Ore. — In what officials are calling a major step forward for aquatic inclusivity, Oregon announced this week that all public swimming pools will be required to employ at least one certified drag queen lifeguard during Pride Month. The new program, officially known as the Aquatic...

Portland Celebrates 10 Years Of Solving Mental Health By Ignoring It

PORTLAND, Ore. — Standing alongside state and federal law enforcement partners at a packed press conference Tuesday morning, Multnomah County officials proudly announced the successful completion of Portland's ten-year strategy for addressing mental illness by doing almost nothing about it. "Today...

ODFW Confirms Sighting Of Extremely Rare Portland Seagull

PORTLAND, Ore. — Wildlife officials say they've confirmed the first documented sighting of an Extremely Rare Portland Seagull, a subspecies long believed to exist only in stories told by brewery owners, baristas, and people who somehow manage to turn every conversation into a podcast. The bird was...

Gov. Tina Kotek Debuts Bold New Purple Mohawk

PORTLAND, OR — Oregon Governor Tina Kotek shocked residents this week after unveiling a dramatic new purple mohawk during a public appearance, prompting widespread confusion over whether the hairstyle was a personal choice, a political statement, or the result of an experimental transportation...

Nabisco And Newport Announce Limited Edition Dungeness Crab Stuffed Oreos

NEWPORT, Ore. — In what experts are already calling “the most Oregon thing to ever happen,” Nabisco has officially partnered with the coastal town of Newport to release a new flavor nobody asked for but everyone is now weirdly curious about: Limited Edition Dungeness Crab Stuffed Oreos. The...
X