PORTLAND, OR — Chaos erupted in the Thompson household Wednesday evening when 19-year-old Antifa member Brayden Thompson was once again grounded after skipping his chores to attend a “Riot for Justice and Mild Property Damage” protest downtown.
Brayden, a part-time barista and full-time revolutionary, was reportedly seen on livestreams hurling an organic compost bin through a Starbucks window while still wearing his “I’d Rather Be Smashing Capitalism” hoodie — the same one his mother, Tricia Thompson, had asked him to throw in the laundry three days prior.
“I told him: ‘Brayden, if you want to tear down oppressive systems, that’s fine, but not until you’ve emptied the dishwasher and swept the garage,’” said Tricia, while removing Sharpie graffiti from her Honda Civic. “He said he’d do it after the protest. That was Monday.”
Sources confirmed this is the third time this month Brayden has skipped basic household responsibilities for direct action, and tensions have been building. Last week, he missed garbage day to make signs reading “Abolish Everything.”
When confronted, Brayden claimed that “chores are a bourgeois construct meant to enslave the working son.” His mom responded by locking up his Che Guevara posters and cutting the Wi-Fi.
“Let’s see him organize a revolution without Reddit,” Tricia said coldly.
Family insiders say Brayden will remain grounded “until further notice” and may be banned from future riots unless he apologizes, cleans the downstairs bathroom, and returns his mother’s yoga mat, which he reportedly repurposed as a makeshift protest banner.
Witnesses later saw Brayden in the backyard attempting to ignite a scented candle with a magnifying glass while chanting, “No chores, no peace!”
