WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a sobering report released Thursday, leading political scientists confirmed that the only remaining path toward national unity would require a planet-destroying asteroid to obliterate all life on Earth.
“After analyzing decades of data, partisan divides, and over 47 million Facebook comments, we can now say with absolute certainty that the only scenario where Republicans and Democrats might stand together is in the final milliseconds before a flaming rock the size of Texas slams into the planet,” said Dr. Alan Frey, lead researcher at the Center for Political Futility. “Even then, there’s a strong chance they’d spend those milliseconds arguing about whose fault the asteroid is.”
The report details several theoretical unifying events—alien invasions, robot uprisings, an extinction-level plague—but concluded that in each case, Americans would still splinter along ideological lines. “We tested every possible catastrophe. Asteroid impact was the only one where we saw bipartisan agreement on anything: mainly that ‘this sucks,’” Frey added.
Survivability scenarios were also ruled out. “If even one human survives in a bunker somewhere, they’ll probably start a new civil war over canned beans,” the report warned.
When reached for comment, President Joe Biden and House Speaker Mike Johnson issued a rare joint statement: “If a massive asteroid were to strike Earth, we would… uh… well… ok, fine. That would probably be bad.”
At press time, sources confirmed both parties had already begun bickering over whether the asteroid was a hoax created by the other side.
