PORTLAND, OR — In a bold move to finally escape his parents’ basement and experience the magic of paying $2,100 a month for 380 square feet of “industrial charm,” local man Kyle Dennison has successfully sold one of his kidneys to secure a studio apartment in Portland.
“I figured I only need one kidney, but I need four walls and a ceiling right now,” said Dennison, proudly showing off his lease agreement and a bag of frozen peas taped to his side.
The apartment, which boasts “vintage plumbing” and “communal bathroom character,” is located above a vegan donut shop and between two buildings currently being converted into ghost kitchens and luxury axe-throwing lounges.
“I thought about living in my car like everyone else, but I already sold that last year to pay my first and last month’s rent on a different place I got outbid on by a poodle with a trust fund,” he explained.
The property manager, who prefers to go by her artisanal real estate handle “LoftMom420,” described the unit as “perfect for a minimalist with low expectations and a high pain tolerance.”
The lease comes with several modern amenities, including:
- A door that locks if you lift and jiggle it just right
- A ceiling fan that makes a faint weeping sound when turned on
- Exposure to “authentic city ambiance” thanks to a missing windowpane
- A roommate named Josh who only showers after 2 a.m. and eats with his hands
When asked if he regrets the organ sale, Kyle remained upbeat. “Honestly, my dating profile’s been blowing up. Apparently ‘only has one kidney’ is code for ‘low-maintenance.’”
Experts say the trend may grow. A recent Craigslist post in Eugene simply reads:
“Will trade appendix for parking spot. Must be close to campus. No serial killers pls.”
Meanwhile, Oregon lawmakers are reportedly drafting legislation to reclassify internal organs as “housing credits” in an effort to address the crisis without upsetting out-of-state developers.
