SWEET HOME, OR — Sources confirmed Wednesday that local husband Dave Ellsworth stood motionless and dead-eyed as his wife, Amanda, held up yet another leafy green stranger and announced, “Everyone say hi to Juniper!”
It was the 86th time this year.
Dave, who hasn’t made direct eye contact with his wife since Plant #42, reportedly nodded slowly while dissociating into a void of macramé hangers and grow lights. “She says this one’s a ‘low-maintenance cutie with climbing potential,’ which is also what she called that bartender in Ashland,” he muttered.
Friends say Amanda once had a husband and a minimalist living room. Now she has a rainforest and a man who showers at the gym for “space.”
When asked how he keeps track of them all, Dave replied, “I don’t. I just pray none of them are carnivorous.”
Amanda was last seen rearranging furniture to make space for a humidity dome, while Dave stood in the corner, clapping politely and wondering if he, too, would be repotted.
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