PORTLAND, OR — In what health experts are calling “a medical miracle and/or a Facebook group fever dream,” new parents Chad and Sage Turner of Forest Grove proudly announced that their newborn son, Braven, entered the world completely free of seed oils — a triumph they say was made possible through “relentless vigilance and light harassment of hospital staff.”
“We made it clear from day one: no vaccines, no epidurals, and absolutely no trace of industrial sludge oils,” said Sage, while strapping a pair of organic bamboo booties onto Braven’s tiny feet. “This child is purer than the tears of a grass-fed cow.”
Hospital staff at a Portland birthing center reportedly struggled to accommodate the couple’s detailed birth plan, which included demands such as oil-free latex gloves, a coconut-oil-scented birthing tub, and ambient whale noises recorded before 1950 (to avoid “modern vibrational contaminants”). Nurses on duty described the labor as “twelve hours of threats about Instagram exposure.”
The Turners have already announced their revolutionary parenting plan: Braven will be exclusively nourished on a diet of locally harvested rainwater, grass-fed beef tallow, and the occasional blade of heirloom wheatgrass, “but only if it’s sung to daily by a certified shaman.”
“Most babies get poisoned with toxic seed oils from the second they hit the delivery table,” Chad said, while hand-churning homemade ghee on the hospital floor. “Not our boy. Braven’s mitochondria are going to bench-press yours by kindergarten.”
Friends and family are reportedly divided on the announcement. Some expressed concern that the baby might need “actual nutrients” like vitamins, minerals, or breast milk, while others praised the couple for “bravely protecting their child from Big Soy.”
At press time, the Turners were seen arguing over whether their new Tesla was “off-gassing seed oil particles” and debating whether they should move into a yurt made entirely of grass-fed buffalo hide.
