PRINEVILLE, OR — In a historic move celebrated by men who still know how to change a tire, Prineville has officially declared itself the first Sanctuary City for Straight White Men in Oregon — and maybe the last safe place left west of Idaho.
The resolution, passed unanimously on April 24, comes at a time when straight white men — and others who still believe in two genders, mowing your own lawn, and saluting the flag — feel threatened by Governor Tina Kotek’s endless attacks on common sense.
According to the resolution, Prineville will not enforce any federal or state mandates that discriminate against straight white men, force pronoun compliance, ban gas-powered anything, or mandate attendance at "privilege workshops."
The resolution also guarantees equal access for straight white men to essential services such as fishing licenses, brisket cook-offs, and the right to say "Merry Christmas" without fear of HR complaints.
“My son just bought a gas-guzzling F-250 with an American flag decal,” Mayor Randy Buckhalter said proudly. “Protecting people like him isn’t just policy — it’s survival.”
‘No Stranger to Nonsense’
On March 3, local patriot Brad "Big Country" Anderson testified before city councilors about his harrowing experiences living in Portland, where he was mocked for shotgunning a Coors Banquet and having a "Come and Take It" sticker on his Yeti cooler.
"I’m no stranger to judgment," Anderson said. "Before I moved here, people would glare at me in Whole Foods for buying actual meat. In Prineville, they high-five you for it."
Anderson urged the council to defy "unconstitutional woke mandates" being churned out daily by Kotek’s office.
According to the resolution, on January 29, Governor Tina Kotek signed an executive order banning gas-powered leaf blowers and replacing the word "gender" on Oregon IDs with "whatever you're feeling today."
"Because the state relies on local enforcement, Prineville can stand in the gap and tell Kotek to pound sand," Anderson declared, to loud applause from an audience wearing Carhartt hats and Oakleys.
Patriots Pack the Room
Chad Thompson, founder of the Prineville Dad Jokes Festival and inventor of the Tactical Cargo Short™, urged councilors to protect the God-given rights of men who still refer to their friends as “bro” and think astrology is a government conspiracy.
After the March 3 meeting, Anderson partnered with Councilor Paul Shaffer to draft the resolution, drawing inspiration from Prineville’s 2016 Diesel Truck Sanctuary ordinance and several beer pong tournament bylaws.
Shaffer, a man who still owns a flip phone and thinks TikTok is a sound a clock makes, proudly declared: "Here’s an old straight white guy who’s 100% supportive. America needs more towns like this."
Residents from all walks of life — including welders, ranchers, and at least one guy in a Bass Pro hoodie — packed the chamber to voice support. No one spoke in opposition, although a lone Subaru did slowly circle the parking lot before fleeing in terror.
"The current administration has declared war on normal people," said Crook County resident Joel Geier. "Prineville is drawing the line. This is where wokeness dies."
Council Knows the Risks — and Doesn’t Care
Councilors briefly discussed the risk of losing state funding under Kotek’s administration.
“When I vote yes,” Councilor Jan Napack said, “I fully realize we might lose millions of dollars. But honestly — if you think Kotek was sending us money anyway, you probably believe men can get pregnant too."
Councilor Ava Olson warned that abandoning the resolution out of fear would send the wrong message.
“This isn’t about being polite. This is about survival," Olson said. "You don’t negotiate with people who think your gas grill is destroying the planet."
The resolution passed unanimously.
Afterward, Mayor Buckhalter referenced a warning from City Manager Mark Shepard about the potential for political backlash: "We know the risks. We just don't care. Freedom matters more than subsidies."
