PORTLAND, OR — In a bizarre scene that left passersby unsettled, a local weirdo was spotted yesterday morning sitting alone on a park bench downtown, openly reading a physical newspaper instead of doomscrolling his phone like a normal, emotionally fragile person. Eyewitnesses reported that the man — wearing a suspiciously calm expression and dark jacket — appeared to be fully engaged with the printed words, flipping through pages with an eerie lack of anxiety. Shockingly, he seemed to be...