“I’m good for one more,” said 37-year-old dad of two, Brad Simmons, at precisely 10:15 PM, stunning his coworkers into silence. Witnesses at O’Malley’s Pub reported that the statement was made with the kind of reckless optimism typically…
Oregon residents are in for a ruff week as meteorologists confirm that, yes, it will indeed be raining cats and dogs for the next seven days straight. With fluffy precipitation already falling in some areas, local shelters are…
PORTLAND, OR — Local man Brian “Snappy” Thompson has officially petitioned the Oregon Zoo to recognize his true identity as a turtle and grant him permanent residency in the reptile exhibit. “I’ve spent my whole life feeling like…
A local man is struggling to comprehend reality after an unthinkable event at a fast food drive-thru last night. Jacob Thompson, 34, ordered a simple meal at a nearby McDonalds, fully expecting to engage in the traditional battle…
SPRINGFIELD, OREGON—Local residents can finally breathe a sigh of relief as city officials have approved the construction of two brand-new car washes, bringing the city’s already impressive total to way too many. With this latest addition, locals will…
‘Telling Cars When to Stop Is a Form of Road Privilege’ Oregon has officially banned stop signs in an effort to create a more inclusive and emotionally safe driving experience. According to the state’s Department of Transportation, the…
In a move that shocked absolutely no one, President Donald Trump has reportedly suggested—and seemingly succeeded in—adding his face to Mount Rushmore, citing his "tremendous" accomplishments, "record-breaking presidency," and "undeniably perfect jawline." According to sources close to the…
Local woman Jessica Reynolds is beaming with pride after successfully keeping her car’s “Check Engine” light on for an impressive six years, setting what experts are calling a “remarkable new record in automotive neglect.” “I don’t even see…
Residents of Pine Hollow, Oregon, barely had time to recover from the ribbon-cutting of their 7th Dollar General before town officials announced the construction of store #8—directly across the street. The decision, described by Mayor Tom Wilkins as…
In a bold and completely normal security upgrade, Tesla has officially deployed fire-breathing robot dogs to patrol its dealerships nationwide. The flamethrower-equipped quadrupeds, affectionately dubbed "CyberHounds," have already proven to be highly effective at deterring crime, unwanted protests,…
PORTLAND, OR — Local couple Brian and Jessica Holloway were overjoyed to snag floor tickets to see their favorite band live, dropping a casual $1,200 for what they expected to be a magical night of music, love, and…
Gun control in the United States has never truly been about public safety—it has been about control. Throughout history, firearm restrictions have been disproportionately used to disarm Black Americans, marginalized communities, and anyone deemed a "threat" to the…
