TURNER, OR — Longtime fans of Oregon’s beloved Enchanted Forest theme park are reporting that while the park was “kinda spooky and magical” as children, experiencing it as an adult on mushrooms is an entirely different — and far more intense — journey.
“It used to be this weird little park with talking trees and a creepy witch house,” said local software developer Kevin Bliss, 34, “but on shrooms? Bro. That witch knows things. She looked into my soul and showed me my dad’s unresolved trauma.”
The sentiment has been echoed in dozens of Reddit threads, TripAdvisor reviews, and one particularly heartfelt Yelp post titled “The Crooked House Made Me Cry and That’s Okay.”
Park staff, while not officially endorsing psychedelics, admitted they’ve noticed a surge in visitors who arrive barefoot, stare at moss for long periods of time, and describe the Seven Dwarfs Mine Ride as “an allegory for late-stage capitalism and rebirth.”
“I had to escort a guy out last week who was trying to apologize to every animatronic for being part of the industrial revolution,” said one ride operator. “He said the Old Woman in the Shoe was a stand-in for Mother Gaia and asked if she accepted Venmo.”
Sources say the haunted house attraction, previously known for its mildly outdated jump scares, now serves as a full-blown hero’s journey when under the influence of psilocybin. “I entered that ride a man,” said one visitor. “I left a cosmic dust particle wearing Crocs.”
The Enchanted Forest gift shop has responded to the growing trend by quietly stocking herbal tea, fidget spinners, and a small collection of emergency grounding crystals near the checkout.
Meanwhile, several mushroom-fueled visitors were seen having a deep emotional conversation with a fiberglass Humpty Dumpty while softly playing a Native flute.
Disclaimer: This article is satirical in nature and does not encourage or condone the use of illegal substances at Enchanted Forest or any public venue.
