Satire

Portland Storefronts Debut Floral Plywood Collection Just in Time for Riot Season

PORTLAND, OR — As summer 2025 looms and the city braces for another round of protests, drum circles, and Instagram activism, Portland businesses are staying ahead of the chaos with this year’s hottest trend: custom floral plywood. Sprouting across downtown like a well-meaning rash, these...

First American Pope Wears Cowboy Hat

VATICAN CITY — In a historic and deeply confusing moment for the Catholic Church, newly appointed Pope Robert I — the first American pope in history — made his debut Wednesday morning atop the balcony of St. Peter’s Basilica wearing a beige cowboy hat and a soft Midwestern grin. The hat, which...

India-Pakistan Conflict Accidently Solves America’s Spam Call Epidemic

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As tensions between India and Pakistan escalated into open conflict this week, something miraculous happened in the United States: millions of Americans experienced their first peaceful morning without a single scam call about their car’s extended warranty, a suspicious Amazon...

Pacific Power: “We Understand You’re Struggling—That’s Why We’re Raising Rates Again”

SALEM, OR — In a heartfelt press release delivered with the emotional depth of a dropped toaster, Pacific Power announced its latest rate increase this week, citing "deep empathy" for the financial hardship many Oregonians are facing. “We know times are tough,” said company spokesperson Riley...

City Says 9 Bodies in Willamette River Is “Totally Chill, Bro,” Urges Public to Not Stare, It’s Weird

PORTLAND, OR — May 7, 2025 — In response to the ninth human body surfacing in the Willamette River this spring, Portland officials held a casual press conference Monday to assure the public that “everything’s totally chill, bro,” and to gently remind residents to “maybe not stare — it’s kind of a...
First American Pope Wears Cowboy Hat

First American Pope Wears Cowboy Hat

VATICAN CITY — In a historic and deeply confusing moment for the Catholic Church, newly appointed Pope Robert I — the first American pope in history — made his debut Wednesday morning atop the balcony of St. Peter’s Basilica wearing a beige cowboy hat and a soft...

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