First American Pope Wears Cowboy Hat
VATICAN CITY — In a historic and deeply confusing moment for the Catholic Church, newly appointed Pope Robert I — the first American pope in history — made his debut Wednesday morning atop the balcony of…
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India-Pakistan Conflict Accidently Solves America’s Spam Call Epidemic
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As tensions between India and Pakistan escalated into open conflict this week, something miraculous happened in the United States: millions of Americans experienced their first peaceful morning without a single scam call about…
City Says 9 Bodies in Willamette River Is “Totally Chill, Bro,” Urges Public to Not Stare, It’s Weird
PORTLAND, OR — May 7, 2025 — In response to the ninth human body surfacing in the Willamette River this spring, Portland officials held a casual press conference Monday to assure the public that “everything’s totally…
Missing Eugene Cat Allegedly Just Blazed Out of His Mind at the Neighbors’ Place
EUGENE, OR — A frantic search for a local feline came to a mellow conclusion Thursday afternoon after “Mittens,” a 3-year-old tabby, was located at a nearby house party, absolutely blitzed and sprawled across a bean…
Trump to Reopen Toys “R” Us as Maximum Security Prison for “Really Bad Kids”
BEDMINSTER, NJ — In a bold move to “bring back law, order, and Geoffrey the Giraffe,” former President Donald Trump announced Thursday that he will personally oversee the reopening of defunct toy store chain Toys “R”…
Bend Man Completes Full Conversation Without Mentioning He Mountain Bikes
BEND, OR — In what experts are calling a “statistical anomaly” and “spiritual awakening,” local resident Tyler Hensley reportedly completed an entire five-minute conversation on Friday without once mentioning that he mountain bikes. The exchange took…
Oregon Drivers Celebrate Sunshine by Staring at Men Wearing Neon Vests Holding Stop Signs
PORTLAND, OR — As the skies clear and temperatures begin to climb, Oregonians are once again flocking to their favorite summer destination: the driver’s seat of a stationary vehicle, parked on a half-paved road, silently observing…
Oregon Lawmakers Introduce Bill to Ban Duck Hunt Zapper: “No Civilian Needs an Orange Plastic Firearm”
SALEM, OR — In a move critics are calling “a bold leap backward,” Oregon lawmakers behind controversial gun control Measure 114 have now set their sights on a new threat: the 1985 Nintendo Zapper. Dubbed Measure…
Busy Mom of 3 Recommends New Meth-Infused Energy Drink “No Sketchy Sweeteners, Just Pure Speed”
GRANTS PASS, OR — In today’s chaotic world of sugar crashes, artificial additives, and PTO meetings that never end, one Oregon mother says she’s found the perfect solution: meth. Specifically, Mountain Meth — a bold new…
Portland Protesters Demand More Things to Protest
PORTLAND, OR — In a surprising show of unity, hundreds of Portland protesters gathered downtown Tuesday not to decry a specific issue, but to demand more things to be upset about. “Frankly, we’re running out,” said…
New Oregon Zip Line Debuts With Thrilling New Twist: Direct Collision With Tree
BEND, OR — In what Deschutes County officials are calling “an immersive forest engagement experience,” a new zip line attraction has opened just outside Bend — and instead of a smooth landing, it launches riders face-first…
Pale Little Oregon Man Spotted in Tank Top; Witnesses in Troutdale Call It “Too Soon”
TROUTDALE, OR — In a shocking display of seasonal overconfidence, local man Darren Melby was reportedly seen walking down Main Street in a salmon-pink tank top Thursday morning, sending townsfolk into a mild panic and causing…