SALEM, OR — With Oregon’s budget once again disappearing into what experts are calling “a large cosmic anomaly in Salem,” Governor Tina Kotek proudly unveiled her brand-new “Wheel of New State Taxes” at a press conference Thursday.
The massive carnival-style wheel, adorned with bizarre new revenue ideas like “Trailhead Selfie Tax” and “Pumpkin Patch Tractor Ride Surcharge,” will be spun weekly by state officials whenever Oregon discovers more billions have been sucked into the mysterious black hole of spending located directly beneath the Capitol rotunda.
According to Kotek’s office, the Trailhead Selfie Tax will ensure hikers who clog Instagram with identical Multnomah Falls photos finally “pay their fair share,” while the Pumpkin Patch Tractor Ride Surcharge will fund “critical seasonal hay bale infrastructure upgrades.” Other wedges on the wheel include the Bigfoot Tourism Fee (a $20 penalty for reporting a blurry Sasquatch photo), the Craft Pickle Jar Tax, and the Seagull Protection Fee — a levy designed to cover emotional damages whenever your fries are stolen on the coast.
One of the most controversial additions is the Plastic Straw Redemption Fee, which will require citizens to turn in contraband plastic straws for a state-issued receipt. Each straw is worth negative five cents, meaning you actually owe the state money for every one you’ve hoarded in your glovebox since 2018. Officials say the revenue will go toward “sustainable paper straw research,” though insiders confirm most of it will fund replacement straws after the paper ones immediately dissolve into pulp halfway through your iced latte.
“This wheel is about fairness,” said Kotek, gripping the wheel’s handle like Vanna White at a Vegas slot machine. “Every spin is a chance for Oregonians to contribute to the void where their money already goes anyway.”
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But while the wheel may be new, the complaints are not. Many Oregonians already feel like their tax dollars are hurled into a black hole with nothing to show for it. In Portland, a new report by economic consulting firm ECOnorthwest revealed that $724 million was spent on homeless services in the Portland area in the 2024 fiscal year — yet record numbers of tents still line the sidewalks, and residents say the problem looks worse than ever. “It’s like paying cover charge at a bar that never lets you in,” said one Portland resident who watched city crews clear the same camp on his block for the fourth time this year.
Citizens attending the press event reported mixed reactions. “I watched my paycheck spiral into the black hole in real time,” said Portland resident Chad M., “and then the wheel landed on ‘MAGA Hat Registration Fee.’ Honestly, I wasn’t even mad. It felt on brand.”
According to Kotek’s office, the MAGA Hat Registration Fee will require every Oregon resident who owns one of the iconic red hats to file for a yearly $35 permit. Those who refuse to register could face an additional “Patriotism Processing Surcharge,” with proceeds allegedly earmarked for studying “alternative flag-wave safety programs.”
State legislators, however, praised the wheel as a bold step toward accountability. “We can’t tell you where your tax money went,” admitted one lawmaker, “but at least now you can watch us gamble for your next bill while it disappears into deep space.”
At press time, the wheel landed on “Axe-Throwing Permit Tax” — immediately doubling Salem’s projected revenues from bearded men in breweries.rmit Tax” — immediately doubling Salem’s projected revenues from bearded men in breweries.
