WASHINGTON, D.C. — As grocery prices soar, infrastructure crumbles, artificial intelligence begins writing its own manifestos, and World War 3 quietly warms up in the background, officials are reassuring Americans there’s absolutely nothing to worry about.
“Relax, babe—we’ve totally got this,” said a White House spokesperson while nervously smoothing out their tie. “Sure, the economy is a little shaky, international tensions are rising, and, okay, maybe we’re funding three different proxy wars at the same time… but that’s all part of the plan. Everything is completely under control.”
When pressed about the rapid rise of artificial intelligence systems and their eerie resemblance to Skynet from Terminator 2, the spokesperson chuckled nervously and said, “Ha! Don’t be silly—AI would never go rogue and trigger global annihilation. Probably.”
Government experts confirmed that while it might look like a slow-motion disaster from the outside, every crisis is being handled with the same precision and foresight that brought you the DMV, Amtrak, and a $34 trillion national debt.
“Don’t panic,” the spokesperson added. “If things ever got really bad, we’d definitely give you a heads-up. Probably. Maybe. Actually… just keep scrolling TikTok and we’ll let you know if the missiles launch.”
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At press time, Congress unveiled a new emergency plan to calm public fears: printing another trillion dollars and recommending citizens “try deep breathing exercises.”
