PORTLAND, OR — Local accountant Greg Waller, 42, expressed mild admiration through clenched teeth Thursday evening as he sat motionless in traffic for the third consecutive hour due to a massive anti-Trump protest downtown.
“This protest sure is neato,” Waller muttered to himself, beads of stress sweat soaking into his collar as a group of teenagers with painted signs and an alarming number of tambourines danced past his windshield. “Really glad I get to participate in civic engagement against my will.”
Waller, who clocked out of work at exactly 5:02 p.m. and has since progressed a total of six feet, originally planned to eat leftover meatloaf and catch up on 1923 before bed. Instead, he has spent the evening absorbing the distant sound of coordinated chanting and watching a guy on a unicycle yell about fascism.
Sources say Waller briefly considered reversing into oncoming traffic, but opted to preserve what remained of his insurance deductible.
“It’s really cool,” Waller added flatly, watching a protester climb a traffic light in a handmade eagle costume. “I’ve always wanted to experience gridlock and political theater at the same time.”
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At press time, Waller was seen closing his eyes and whispering a soft prayer for any god who might deliver him a working off-ramp — or at the very least, a signal that turns green.
