WASHINGTON, D.C. — As grocery prices soar, infrastructure crumbles, artificial intelligence begins writing its own manifestos, and World War 3 quietly warms up in the background, officials are reassuring Americans there’s absolutely nothing to worry about. “Relax, babe—we’ve totally got this,” said a White House spokesperson while nervously smoothing out their tie. “Sure, the economy is a little shaky, international tensions are rising, and, okay, maybe we’re funding three different proxy wars...