PORTLAND, OR — After years of experimenting with tear gas, rubber bullets, and pepper spray, Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has apparently decided to step things up a notch. On Thursday night, officers stunned protesters outside Portland’s ICE facility by deploying a pack of fully grown mountain lions into the crowd.
“Pepper spray was fine for a while,” explained one ICE spokesperson, calmly loading raw meat into a cat carrier. “But people kept bringing leaf blowers and swimming goggles. Nobody has ever brought a cougar-proof umbrella. We feel this is a logical next step in crowd control.”
Witnesses say the release began around 10:30 p.m., when floodlights suddenly flickered on and the gates opened, revealing four snarling cats eager to stretch their legs after a long day in federal custody.
“The guy next to me yelled, ‘Cougars!’ and I thought he meant the ladies from Beaverton who usually show up with Chardonnay,” said one protester, still catching his breath after fleeing. “Then I saw the tails. Totally different kind of cougar.”
Reports indicate the big cats immediately scattered the crowd, chased down several signs that said “Abolish ICE,” and then sat majestically in the intersection like they owned the place.
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Animal experts expressed concern over the deployment, warning that releasing apex predators in a downtown metro area could be dangerous. ICE officials disagreed.
“We tried dialogue. We tried de-escalation. We even tried those sad little paintballs filled with OC spray,” the agency stated in a press release. “But nothing sends a message like forty claws and a roar that rattles your ribcage.”
Protesters are already adapting, however. Local REI stores reported a sudden spike in sales of scratching posts, laser pointers, and bear spray.
Meanwhile, the cougars have allegedly claimed the ICE facility as their new territory. Officers have been instructed to enter the building only if carrying salmon.
“Honestly, this feels on brand for Portland,” sighed one exhausted resident. “We already had naked bike rides, drum circles, and anarchists yelling at pigeons. Cougars chasing protesters through the streets is just Thursday now.”
