GRANTS PASS, OR — In today’s chaotic world of sugar crashes, artificial additives, and PTO meetings that never end, one Oregon mother says she’s found the perfect solution: meth.
Specifically, Mountain Meth — a bold new energy drink that skips the synthetic sweeteners, avoids caffeine entirely, and goes straight for the high-octane stimulant every frazzled parent really needs.
“I’ve been trying to cut back on caffeine—it’s just so addictive,” said Heather Jennings, 34, while deep-cleaning her entire house at 3 a.m. and retiling the bathroom with a toothbrush. “When I saw Mountain Meth was 100% caffeine-free, I knew it was the healthy choice.”
Billed as a “gluten-free, no-preservative, caffeine-free meth-forward lifestyle beverage,” Mountain Meth contains zero sugar, no artificial flavors, and “just enough street-grade methamphetamine to silence your inner voice for a while.”
“I used to chug cold brew until my soul trembled,” said Jennings. “Now I’ve kicked the caffeine and replaced it with something more natural—meth. And I feel amazing. Like, time-doesn’t-exist amazing.”
Jennings, who discovered the drink at a gas station between ballet and taekwondo lessons, insists the meth isn’t a problem.
“I read the label,” she said. “No aspartame, no Red 40, and it’s vegan. Honestly, the meth is probably the cleanest thing I’ve put in my body this week.”
Since making the switch to Mountain Meth, Jennings says she’s never felt more productive.
“I folded five loads of laundry, painted the baseboards, organized the garage, ran three birthday parties, AND remembered to sign my kid’s permission slip—all before 10 a.m.,” she beamed. “It’s like Adderall and parenting had a baby and named it ‘Mountain Meth.’”
According to her, the drink pairs well with “yoga, rage-cleaning, and yelling inspirational quotes at other moms in the Costco parking lot.”
“My neighbor told me I was glowing,” Jennings added. “I haven’t blinked in 36 hours, so I believe her.”
According to initial reviews, customers love the drink’s edgy flavor notes of citrus, burnt hair, and drive-thru regret. Side effects include uncontrollable multitasking, spontaneous drywall repair, and filing your taxes seven years in advance.
“It’s like Whole30 for my soul,” said Jennings. “No caffeine, no sugar, no fake stuff—just raw, unfiltered velocity.”
As of press time, Jennings was last seen alphabetizing the neighborhood recycling bins while muttering “finally, something natural” into her Bluetooth headset.
