SPRINGFIELD, OR — A local man successfully executed a highly strategic window roll-up maneuver this morning, narrowly avoiding both an excessively friendly Dutch Bros barista and the ear-piercing bass of yet another shitty mumble rap track.
Eyewitnesses report that 35-year-old Michael Davidson, a seasoned veteran of the Dutch Bros drive-thru, knew exactly what was coming the moment he pulled in. "I've been through this before. You have to plan ahead," Davidson told reporters, still clutching his medium iced Americano like a war survivor clutching a ration pack.
Sources confirm that as soon as Davidson muttered his order into the speaker, he immediately rolled up his window, sealing himself inside like a man preparing for nuclear fallout. His timing was impeccable.
"Had I hesitated even a second, I’d be stuck in an unsolicited TED Talk about ‘making the most of my day’ while some auto-tuned zombie slurred half-formed words over a bassline that sounds like it was produced in a tin can," Davidson explained. "Last time, I didn’t roll up fast enough, and I spent six minutes pretending to care about a 19-year-old named Skylar’s failed DJ career. Not this time. Not again."
As he sat in silence, watching cars in front of him endure aggressive small talk and forced enthusiasm, Davidson felt a wave of peace wash over him. The barrier of glass effectively muted both the barista’s soul-crushing energy and the garbage-tier mumble rap anthem drowning in reverb and auto-tune.
By the time his drink was ready, Davidson rolled down his window just long enough to retrieve it before slamming it shut again, escaping without making eye contact and without acknowledging the barista’s attempted high-five.
"He knew," one witness said in admiration. "That man was prepared for battle."
As Davidson drove off, he was last seen shaking his head at the rearview mirror, whispering a prayer for the poor souls still trapped in conversation.
At press time, Dutch Bros employees could be seen cheerfully shouting into another car as the next victim—a naive first-time customer—rolled down his window with zero hesitation.
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