ESTACADA, OR — In a stunning transformation just in time for warmer weather, local dad Mike Reynolds reportedly achieved peak seasonal confidence Thursday afternoon after purchasing a pair of $24.99 camo cargo shorts from the Target clearance rack.
Witnesses say Reynolds, 43, strutted out of the store parking lot like a man who had just conquered a mountain—or at least a solid deal on breathable thighwear.
"These things are straight fire," Reynolds declared, unironically, while tossing the receipt into the passenger seat of his F-150 and adjusting his Bluetooth earpiece. “I might wear ‘em straight through September. Maybe October if the weather holds.”
Reynolds, who resides in a modest subdivision just outside Estacada, said he’d been “casually browsing” the men’s section for travel-size deodorant when the shorts called to him from across the aisle. According to sources, they feature a tasteful desert camo pattern, six operational pockets, and a masculine, pre-wrinkled fabric that says both "dad on vacation" and "military surplus store manager."
“I’m just sayin', they go with literally everything: grilling, mowing, gas station runs, fishing, sittin’ on coolers, light construction—hell, you could wear ‘em to a wedding if it’s outdoor casual.”
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Family members reported a noticeable shift in Reynolds' demeanor following the purchase. His teenage son noted, “He kept flexing his calves and saying ‘hot dad summer’s about to pop off.’ Then he asked if I knew how to set up a TikTok.”
Local Target employees say Reynolds is far from alone. “It’s camo short season,” said assistant manager Jenette Clark. “We see the same thing every April. Dads sense summer approaching and enter a sort of fashion-based mating ritual.”
At press time, Reynolds had already referred to the shorts as “straight fire” six times to neighbors who did not ask and had begun Googling “best budget Oakleys” while sipping Coors Light from a Yeti knockoff.
