In a moment theologians are already calling “the chillest entrance into the afterlife on record,” actor Val Kilmer ascended to Heaven yesterday and gained immediate entry by softly uttering his iconic Tombstone line — “I’m your huckleberry” — into a slightly outdated intercom system bolted to the Pearly Gates.
Witnesses report that no additional credentials were checked.
“He didn’t even press the call button,” said Saint Peter, visibly shaken and polishing his clipboard. “He just leaned in real slow, whispered that line, and boom — the gates opened themselves. It was… magnetic.”
The intercom reportedly short-circuited after the phrase was delivered, now permanently playing a soft loop of The Doors soundtrack with an occasional whisper of “Johnny Ringo…” in the background.
Kilmer, dressed unmistakably in his celestial take on Doc Holliday, strolled past stunned angels without saying another word — cool, collected, and already halfway into legend.
“He didn’t just enter,” said Archangel Raphael. “He arrived.”
Cherubs reportedly followed in step, forming an impromptu parade while he casually flicked autographed copies of Real Genius into the crowd like celestial frisbees. Tucked under his arm: a worn copy of the Tombstone script, crayon annotations and all, still smelling faintly of sage and mystery.
Later that day, Heaven’s main stage hosted Kilmer’s one-man celestial debut:
“Huckleberry in the Sky: One Man, One Destiny.”
The crowd? Divine.
The reviews? Miraculous.
God? Reportedly gave a standing ovation and yelled, “Now that’s how you enter paradise.”
At press time, the Pearly Gates were temporarily closed for recalibration — now responding only to confident whispers and minor mustache twitches.
