PORTLAND, OR — In a historic moment of questionable achievement, the City of Portland has officially become the first metropolitan area in the United States to reach 100% graffiti saturation, prompting local street artists to reluctantly hang up their spray cans and mutter, “Yeah, I guess that’s it then.”
“Every square inch,” confirmed Deputy Urban Surface Analyst Karen Splotchy, gently patting the side of a graffiti-covered squirrel. “We’ve analyzed manmade structures, trees, pets, mailboxes, even clouds. All tagged. It’s over.”
The city’s final unpainted surface — the underside of a pigeon’s left foot — was tagged sometime around 3:47 a.m. Tuesday by a local artist known only as BLURP. Witnesses say the pigeon looked “confused, but honored.”
Taggers across the metro area are reportedly devastated. “I tried tagging my own arm, but I already tagged that last month,” said SNEEZY, staring at his fully painted reflection in a puddle that had also been tagged with a tiny signature. “I started writing on my dreams last night. It’s bad, bro.”
According to city officials, spray paint is now considered a controlled substance and can only be used under the supervision of a licensed therapist.
In an effort to keep the artistic spirit alive, Portland has launched the Urban Canvas Reclamation Initiative, a program in which maintenance crews repaint random objects plain beige each morning so artists can have something to tag by nightfall. Unfortunately, the program lasted 17 minutes before the beige paint itself was tagged with “THIS IS FASCISM.”
The Portland Bureau of Existential Affairs is encouraging former graffiti artists to redirect their talents into more sustainable, less space-consuming hobbies, such as invisible ink haikus, interpretive dance protests, or knitting sweaters for bus stops.
At press time, graffiti crews were reportedly crowding around the one remaining untagged object in Oregon — a single pinecone locked inside a glass display case at the state capitol.
Officials say it is now under 24/7 guard.
