SALEM, OR — Frustrated by the complete lack of communication from the Trump administration regarding Oregon’s frozen federal funding, Governor Tina Kotek has taken an unconventional approach: hiring a psychic medium to establish contact with President Trump.
"We've sent emails, letters, legal filings—you name it," Kotek said at a press conference. "At this point, we're open to… alternative methods."
The séance, held in the basement of the Oregon State Capitol, featured candles, a crystal ball, and a circle of concerned state officials holding hands in an effort to channel Trump's elusive response. Witnesses report that after several minutes of eerie silence, the medium suddenly gasped and announced, “I am getting… nothing. It’s just static. Like a broken TV from the ‘90s.”
State lawmakers were not surprised. "Honestly, this is the most engagement we’ve had so far," said one anonymous staffer. "It's actually reassuring to confirm there’s some energy on the other side, even if it’s just white noise."
After the failed psychic attempt, Governor Kotek announced her next strategy: delivering a handwritten note via carrier pigeon, though sources fear the bird may be rerouted to Mar-a-Lago’s golf course, never to be seen again.
Meanwhile, Oregon officials have shifted to deciphering the Trump administration’s funding policies using ancient runes, tea leaves, and an old Magic 8-Ball from the governor’s childhood. Early results suggest “Ask Again Later.”
Adding to the mystery, a White House spokesperson later claimed that Oregon’s funds were frozen due to its sanctuary state status. Kotek, unfazed, reportedly attempted to send another message through the psychic medium, only to receive a vision of Trump shrugging and pointing at a sign that said, “NO SANCTUARY, NO MONEY.”
As for the medium, she has reportedly declined future political engagements. “There’s just no spirit energy there,” she explained. “It’s like trying to get a ghost to pay taxes.”
At press time, Kotek was seen muttering to herself while setting up an emergency Ouija board session, hoping for a direct line to the White House.
Disclaimer: This article is purely satire and meant for entertainment purposes only. While it references real-world events, the details, quotes, and scenarios are entirely fictional. No psychic mediums were actually consulted (that we know of), and any resemblance to real carrier pigeons is purely coincidental.
